What gift....

As with most people the whirlwind of holidays hit me smack in the face... I ran faster then I thought would be possible... the terror and panic of finals, and then it only got worse until I sat next to my window seat on a cold winter morning watching as I flew home...

Since then I feel like I have been in slow motion... I have stayed busy, but do not have a lot to share... it is hard to describe the treasured time of 'being' with those you love... it is not about accomplishing, doing, or not doing.. each morsel is precisely that... a time to be treasured, make memories, and be 'present'... and interesting that in this season of scurrying.. we talk about giving 'presents' also...

At the beginning of the week, I had decided I wanted to do something different that would make a day a little easier for someone else... it was something that took time, but other then that was pretty mindless... as my mind was free, it began to ping pong around... I thought about different strengthens and weaknesses... I thought about how hard it is to develop different traits and skills that we desire to have... some of our 'gifts' are natural, almost instinctively apart of who we are... Yet others are something we work at daily only in reflection do we realize that there are micro changes in a world where everything feels so macro...

Being a college student, round two has given me the opportunity to have built in moments for humility due to being poor, fear of failing, uncertainties about the future, all of which are normal and natural.... really everyone needs to experience it for a time in their life... hard times create growth and strength of character in ways that can rarely be replicated...

With this time of year comes the desire to do more for so many .. and the feelings of frustration/discouragement because I may not be able to do, give, or even be what I would like to... it's not something I dwell on at great length ...but again it is natural to have those thoughts from time to time...

The practice of giving gifts may have originated with who are now known as wise men, those who brought gifts to the Christ child. Now,  in our day, this gift giving practice may be to help us remember the greatest gift given to us that enables us to return home to a loving father... The gift of a Father who gave each of us, you & I, his son only begotten son as the ultimate gift which enables us to draw closer to him, and eventually return home. Thus creating and completing a most intricate plan of happiness...

I have loved two songs of this season that refer to gift giving and the connection of what I can do.... (even before these two videos were recorded)

What shall we give to the babe in the manger, 

What shall we offer the child in the stall?

Incense and spies and gold we've a-plenty-

Are these the gifts for the king of us all?

What shall we give to the boy in the temple, 

what shall we offer the man by the sea?

Palms at his feet and hosannas uprising;

Are these for him who will carry the tree?

What shall we give to the lamb who was offered,

Rising the third day and shedding his love?

Tears for his his mercy we'll weep at the manger,

Bathing the infant come down from above.

What can I give him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.

If I were a Wise man, I would do my part;

yet what I can I give him: Give my heart

So take a moment and remember with gratitude the gift that has been given to you and to me... how will I use this gift? What in turn can I give?

Like a Japanesse Lace Leaf Maple...

I love fall... I love the colors changing, the smell of wind blowing, the long sleeves and pants coming out... Just the fresh crisp smell of it... especially the sunsets... that is one thing about living in Cache Valley... I have come to love watching the setting of the sun in it's vibrant colors screeching across the clouds... even today I gave into the urge, and pulled over to watch the orange disappear so fast from the tops of the sky down to the mountains edge.. all day there was a heavy, low gray blanket of clouds hanging over... but for some reason around sunset, they rose up and took shape!

A long time ago, I was in a class where the teacher compared the seasons of the year to the seasons in our life... I loved the metaphor, and for some some reason this fall, as all of the changes have taken place in the outside, internally I have felt the "winds of change a blow'n" ... yet I do not know the extent of the change that I am undergoing...

My grandma had a Japanese Lace Leaf Maple tree that she had planted at the bottom of her yard... I remember it was never very big when I would look out at it, but it had the most vibrant leaves on it.... but even fall comes to the little maple... which once was not so big, but now is about fifteen feet tall.. One random question I would alway ask people is, 'what is your favorite tree and why?"... this is the one I always thought of...

And yet here is another yoga analogy... there is the 'tree pose'  or other wise known as Vrksasana, is one that is as balance pose. I love the analogy that sometimes the wind blows, and the pose is not always steady and strong... but always, always it starts with the rooting down of our foot...

So where is our foot rooted down? Do was stay connected and rooted in those grounds that nourish and strengthen us.... as our arms reach out and branch out. Do we appreciate the opening up and outward expansion we offer or does that slight breeze that rustles the leaves create tension or do we appreciate it with a smile? Sometimes the wind knocks us down to our roots... but is that bad no, it gives us another opportunity to refocus and try again... I love this quote: ".... Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward..."

So as the winds of life blow... smile.. relax and embrace the change....

Cultivate Loving Kindness

This was the theme for Yoga today... the instructor is one who is super mellow, and turns up the piano music a little louder then most of the others, so amidst the rain storms and night sounds the piano came out today...

I won't lie I was a little shocked when I came in this evening and it was just the instructor and one other guy in the class...So put my mat down not too far from his, grabbed a block and sat down... before I knew it there were students in training in the back to observe ... Usually I really do not like to be watched while I am in practice, but this teacher did a great job of drawing us in to practice, cultivating and returning to the idea of the steady breath throughout class...  Before I knew it I was so focused, I did not remember there was much of anyone anywhere, but focused on what I was trying to do, not even paying attention to the boy next to me.. A blow to my concentration and breath came when we came to tree pose... it was definitely a stormy day for me, as I tried to steady from inside and reach up and out... but everyone is bound to have stormy days... on occasion...

At the end of the practice as we settled into Shavasana she talked again about loving kindness... think of a person who always brings joy when you see them and talk to them, in their presence you feel happiness... (I thought of my nephews)... but then who do you want to pass this loving kindness on to as you cultivate it? As I thought of one who is not too close to many... I wondered how can I pass it on to this individual?

I love the word cultivate with loving kindness...It denotes work and effort that has to be put into creating the feeling of loving kindness...it is something that has to be grown, and will not just appear one day without the work... There are times where the growth is small, and there is little desire to work on the cultivation, especially when the storm beats down on tree... the roots seem to not stay grounded as we wish they would... but eventually the storm passes, the 'son' comes back bringing new light and energy helping us to see ways to refine, develop, and improve...

This is not the first time this theme of 'loving kindness' has been introduced into my life... I remember serving under President and Sister Walker. They wanted everyone who walked in from the world through the doors of the Salt Lake Temple to feel of the loving kindness in the temple from all of the workers... it was the theme for the year before they were released from the temple...

Acceptance

This was the theme today for yoga... and at different times today, I have drifted back to this theme as I have carried it from the beginning of my day throughout... When Jessica started the class this morning she mentioned that some times accepting things can some times make us feel as though we are freer.... So true...

Within me there is this person that not many see the side of often, it's the contemplative me, that I drift back to... often when I am tired, or in a super tranquil or even serene mood... mellow music, and even watching the snow float lazily down till it softly settles on the surface the ground... other times it's in the pinks of the sunrise or looking at the haze of foggy moon, and yes sometimes, it comes in sitting in the slimy, sulfury hot springs..

This quiet peaceful time of night or day can often be pushed on as we hurry here or there to complete the next task or events of the day.. frustrations with different things arise from within at often ourselves, and sometimes in the blame we even other objects or people...

But don't forget it...Accept... your day must go on, but acknowledge the stillness and peace that can be found in being still... and returning to that stillness, which for me is often at the start and end of my day....

And ACCEPT... there will be a new day with new opportunities balancing the fast accelerations around us with the stillness and calm that can be created and found...

"Bastion of Pragmatism"

So I had a blog I wrote a ton in... super personal thoughts I'd reflect up on and edit.... which I still intend to write in from time to time... but I also just needed a blog I could just write in more casually... and thus this began... only I never really got fully into it like I intended... so I went in and played with the fonts and did some stuff to it ....  so hopefully it will something I am more apt to post things in here and there...

So the title for today come from Thursday's work day... up at the high school...  Miraculously, all the students were gone by 4pm, each of us did our own thing with small talk here and there... at one point I think I pointed out to Anderson that he helps students too much, he gives them to much of the answer an does not expect enough out of them....

Out of the blue,  Beth pipes up and says something about each of our teaching styles -- Anderson does too much for the students, she's full of sarcasm, and then me... "Bastion of Pragmatism"... it drives me nuts when the kids want to cheat or do not care or want to have the answer given to them... I believe in making them work for it....

And that is about all for today... or tonight... but here is my attempt to recommit to writing in the blog....

Something funny... from the High School to my life...

Two funny stories...

This year, I have been working through Americorps at a local high school with their after school program. As students come in, we (myself and another student from USU) are there to help the students with whatever homework they need help with.

At the beginning of the week, I was sitting there helping on girl with her math, and the girl next to her got on her phone, and promptly began speaking in Spanish with her mom. It was a relatively short conversation... and she seemed to ask her mom how much money she made a year. I had to laugh, as I translated it out loud... I do not know Spanish by any formal means, but I have had a fair amount of exposure to it.. and I did take three years of French in high school...

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, the first girl working on her math next me, dropped her pencil in pure shock. "You know what she just said?!?!" Well yes... I think I do... "That is huge...!!" Huge?!? How could it be such a big deal, I wondered. "You will make it far with a Latino, man!" Ohhh... I smiled and teasingly said, "As long as he's rich, I don't mind."

This broke into a short question and answer period where they both proceeded to ask me if I was married, how many children I had, because I can have kids if I am not married...I think they talked more then I did through the conversation...

Now at this point (and not really at any point) I am not biased about the race of guys whom I have or will date.... and in Logan, Utah of all places, I can not afford to be picky... and money... well one can only hope, eh? But if not... I am sure I will be fine to, "come what may, and love it"...

The other interesting story from school this week, occurred in reading over a scholarship essay where the girl talked about overcoming Tichotillomania. (For those who do not know, it is where you pull your hair out...) and now I have studied so much I wonder I am developing that ... I would have never ever thought about that, if it was not for reading over and editing that essay.... So glad this week is almost over... one more test tomorrow!

Do you remember...the miracles??

"Do you remember?" seems to be the question of the day.  Rightfully so ... in my Dad's era it was Kennedy... In my 'era' the question is, "Do you remember where you were when found out about the World Trade Center on 9/11?"

Do I remember? Yes I was a student at WSU, and for some reason I had chosen to go into work, at the alumni center that morning... I walked in to our office, where three of us had our desks out in a common area (with little offices out to the sides)... Lorene had pulled TV stand out and was watching the news....the news I knew nothing about.. as it all unraveled... I sat there frozen in my chair... I remember watching the towers... then the pentagon...

But there were miracles? Yes there were... Lorene had actually work in the Pentagon... so when she called back to check with people... this is where one small miracle took place... for some reason... the wing hit... was the wing where construction had been taking place...thus... the least amount of people were impacted with that hit...

And there is also the amazing story of Rick Rescorla that always gives me chills....

So this 9/11 I encourage you to remember the miracles... and look forward... times are only going to get worse, but after all one wise man said... "... fear Not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith..." 

Timing of experiences...

I do not remember really 'meeting' Carol.. but I was told I needed to talk to her before I even knew who she was... after seeing a picture of her, I knew her as the sister who always smiled at people. I do not think I have ever seen her without a smile..

This summer I got to know her better, specifically one warm day in July as we walked a good part of 15 miles together one day...

Tonight as I saw her, and we reflected back we talked about some of the experiences we had... I told her in the moment I did not realize the impact of what my experience was and that it would have on me.  I  told her it was in sharing and testifying of what I had learned from it that I found the power behind what I learned...

Similarly, Carol reminded me of the following quote, "You can now more force the spirt to respond then you can force a bean to sprout, or an egg to hatch before it's time. You can create a climate to foster growth, nourish, and protect; but you can not force or compel: you must await the growth."

She shared how she tried to create one that was not for her to have, but yet when she was able to step back and look out, that is where her experience was born...

We shared with each other how we anticipated learning or growing in one area, by learning, studying, and praying, yet that was not the growth given...

Tonight, I was yet again reminded... creating the climate does not always determine when or what growth will take place... it only guarantees there will be growth... there are factors I do not control for the growth of my seeds -- temperature, light, and even the time to seed before the last frost... So wether my experiences are like the radishes germinating after 5-7 days or the parsnip at 14-21 days... If I have done my part, the seeds will grow... but because I am not the farmer of my life, I do not decide when these seeds are planted, rather I am the field hand. I trust the farm knows what he's planted and will direct me in my labors...

'I am a Pioneer'

If you know me... you know I do not have children... one day it is a dream of mine to be able to be a mother and have a family... but for now I remember the wise words of one who reminded me at one time I could have a "mother's heart" still... despite the paths I am on...

Today I had the opportunity of going up to visit my friend and her kids... as I left I wondered if I would be there longer then I had initially thought.. (just through lunch)... but quickly dismissed it, and went on my way...

When I got there learned Jen's daughter, Saddie had been sick, throwing up all night... we talked for a while... and she began to try to get her kids together to go run errands around one ... as I looked at Saddie (almost 4 years old) curled up on my lap in her pink princess night gown, I could tell this was not a good time for an outing for her... so I offered to stay with her...

As we sat there cuddled up, at one point out of the blue, she looked up in my eyes, and said with determination, "Heaz, I am a pioneer."

"Yes, Saddie, you are," was all I could think to say...and she snuggled back down, drifting off to sleep... 

As I drove back Logan, I reflected back to that quiet moment... I wondered if she realized the impact of the truthfulness of her words... As I drove I listened to the theme song from trek... thinking of the blessings, opportunities, experiences, and potential this girl has to come to her yet in this life.... I hope she is able to remember she can do and will do so many things, even if they are hard....

The clouds roll above us
the mighty stars shine down
The rainstorms give life to the ground
Everywhere we look, we see His hands
The almighty Father
Has blessed us with His plan

(chorus)
Remember the journey 
Remember this time
You are being tested
Your are being tried
Remember your promise
Remember your design
With every breath
With every step
Walk faithfully
Remember the journey

You loved the Father
You chose the light
your faithfulness led you to this life
But so much seems to try to pull you down
To make you loose the light that you once found...
(chorus)

Somedays... I wish I could fly back to the day when you were around, and although it would hurt... we'd walk... and walk till it was numb...

But things are different now... and I would not want those days.. and I do not really miss you, but rather that there was someone as opposed to no one...

Ha ha... sounds like I was in an abusive relationship or something eh? Not at all...

I started this blog so I could more or less record quick thought or idea as it came to mind not to be a long series of thoughts... something I'd allow to be public...so there are two thoughts for tonight...that one... and the following...

I love sunday night walks, even by myself, especially with lightening, but sometimes I wish there was thunder and rain too...