Friday, February 21, 2014

Healthy Relationships (of all types)...

I recently have been asked to help give a lesson on friendship and in particular to talk about healthy relationships... yikes that is not just the lightest topic on the planet... It has provoked much thought and reflection and over this time period I have had more experiences in dealing directly with understanding the importance of it. If you are apart of my RS, you may want to stop reading or else stuff may unravel making the lesson rather boring for you in a week or so.. or maybe things will go in a completely different direction... who knows... not I.

Maybe at this point it would be good to make the harsh disclaimer here -- I have had and still have many unhealthy relationships. This being said, does not make me perfect in any means, but also be aware I feel that EVERYONE has at least one unhealthy one they are in. If they deny it, it is more likely that they are being untrue and in a sense have the most unhealthy relationship possible, with themselves.

Lucky for me, I do not know that many, if any will read this entry. I do not tend to get comments so I think only 2 or 3 people actually read these entries... (if you do, let me know, leave a comment some time :)

It is important to understand that within all relationships as they are established that there should be (even if undefined) specific factors.

  • First healthy relationships should be full of complete truths and fully contextualized. What does this mean? Is this relationship based on honesty? Or is there more fear in not offending the other to the extent that we are not honest in our thoughts or feelings, justifying our dishonesty? At this point I could personalize two examples. The first is one of my favorite people. We do not always agree or feel the same way about things, but she always has a beautiful way of expressing that she has a different view... And then there is another who walks around on egg shells as to not offend, or is so cautious to not offend and share her real thoughts. She takes no risks being honest, thus not allowing herself to create honest, healthy relationships... But where am I? I hate to say it, but gray. I will not justify it to you, but needless to say, if the entire picture was in view you may understand it a little better...
  • Safety comes in equal giving and receiving. I have noticed that in some relationships I feel the life being sucked out of me because you just allow others to take, take, take. Even when I feel I have nothing left to give them. Why is this? There is not equal amounts of giving and receiving. What are we doing to give and receive, to make these relationships more meaningful? Are we learning to receive in ways we did not realize we could? I am learning to receive from some of the takers. It can be refreshing when you learn to receive in ways you did not realize you could.. If they are truly healthy people, they will not let you over-serve them. 
  • Set Boundaries - Boundaries will be different for all types of relationships, maybe it is a boundary of time, or a physical boundary. Just as we have commandments as to how we should live, to make us more free, setting boundaries creates more freedom and establishes a power in relationships that otherwise would be impossible. 
I think of those in relationships who have expectations and who often want special, and even at times continual and complete accommodations in their relationships. They are often frustrated. Although I have quoted this before, a wise woman once said (& I find it worth the repetition), "Frustrations come from unmet expectations (C. Burgi)."  In these cases, not only have boundaries not been set, but the relationship is not based on full, contextualized truths.

Following these steps creates and maintains positive outcomes in our relationships which thus begets further health and strength in relationships. As one of these aspects drops out of a relationship, it becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. Yet often, it is often, not until I am in the midst of an unhealthy relationship that I find and realize it, and thus discover the reconstruction into a healthy relationship can be difficult. However, still achievable, if both are willing to work through it.

I may not be there with all of my relationships in tip top healthy shape.. but I am working on it... oh and another point... as with all relationships - it takes two people, not just one. One person may be pushing to keep it healthy while the other is fighting to create the discord. Be aware and watchful, those will difficult to know how to maneuver through...

My invitation... take some time evaluate, but do not overwhelm yourself - it can be a taxing or freeing experience... choose to let it be freeing, even if the other one in that relationship with you fights against it... it may just be time to create a boundary of more space until the other is ready to progress...

I have many more thoughts, but the lack of a voice, and my eyes are close to the land of Winkin, Blinkin, & Nod...

( Based off of a talk given by Lili Anderson)