Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Life Race

Sometimes in life we run the maddening marathon, pounding the pavement. While other times in life, we stroll the sandy beaches as the tide pulls in and out. My life has felt more like the first of the two, but even the marathon runner crashes or hits their wall... And for me that was this morning...

I woke up before 5 am, attempting to go back to sleep, but finally getting up just before 7 am... I did not feel great, but also not bad. By the time I started teaching my first lesson my stomach was beginning to express some anger.... with in five minutes it was screaming and yelling at me. Needless to say I did not keep teaching, rather I came home... after pulling over to grace all the truckers on I-80 with round two views of my breakfast they never wanted to see..

I do not know where the day has been or gone... there has been a lot of sleeping, I have been cold, and thankfully, "my belly does not hurt too bad anymore" and the phrase "this too shall pass" feels like a reality rather then I dream...  I do not write about this to call people to check in on me... I am good... (bless the new roommate who ran to the store for me before she went to the office!) crazy as it sounds it has been mental health day as well as physical health day for me.

I have done some reflection of things from the last few weeks... some of the experiences have been new, but others have been same story, different chapters.... The marathon this time has included new views, and great learning...

Runners are often asked why they run... some say it is the high, while others say it is the accomplishment... I submit that as we 'run through our days' that we need to be reminded of why we do what we do. What brings in the joy or the encouragement to continue the race? What is stopping us from just sitting down on the side of the road, and saying, "I am tired now" (like my little nephew did this summer)? Or are there changes we need to make on our route that will enable us to love that race just a bit more? Is it our environment? Is it the heat? Once we become too comfortable with the path, maybe it is time to add something new to it...

So today as I have drifted from dreams of the past to the present, I am grateful that there are little things I have been able to do while running this current race. They have made the views a little different a little more enriching, making the colors a little more vibrant... do not forget to work those things into your days for they are what will make the journey worth it, creating the endurance needed as you go from day to day....

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Tonight

I love the warm nights... it is November 9th, for a little while longer while I tap this out on my computer... I have that feeling of wanting to write, but do not know of what I will write about.
Life has been a lot of twists and turns lately, with more ups then downs... but there are some constants I love... one is the peace I can find when I look for it outside....

I love the constant of the out doors... as I sit here, on my roof, typing away, I love hearing the night breeze with the rustle of the leaves, and the distant sound of a single cricket....... I love how warm it is for this time of year... There is something about being out doors, taking a moment to appreciate it that stirs me within.... I have learned to love and embrace each time of year, but this year with the extended warmth of fall, I have yearned to be out more. Although I have not always been able, I have had many opportunities to drive home, down the canyon amidst an amazing sunset that calls to me... Despite my efforts, I do not have the skills to photograph while driving... and I think it may be kind of dangerous... so sometimes all I can do is look, and inhale it as I drive through the golden mountains. 

And moments like this, when it is still warm enough for me to sit outside and attempt to describe my gratitude for the world around us... the crunch golden leaves around me, with the warm breeze.... it smells of fall... and the the air has a cool edge to it, reminding me that the season will succumb to winter soon enough.... but for now I am grateful....

Do you find those moments? Look for them, they will be there for you if you are still and find them... I promise.


Friday, October 3, 2014

Changes

To every thing there is a  season,a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

I love this time of year: Autumn... rooted in this time of year is the visual changes, the turbulence of color in nature colliding in our world. Yet, at times we have the Autumns of our lives... this is definitely of the seasons of my life, right now.

Maybe because I did yoga for so long, and still love a good practice that sometimes reminds us of just how even when the wind blows we can be still in life....

Sometimes, I just have this inward sense or feeling when life is going to change.... and sometimes it just comes in the least expected ways... Sometimes when these new opportunities arise it feelings like a tornado, picking up ideas here and dumping thoughts there... not knowing what to do or what choices to make...

I am not what I would call a quick decision maker, but in some aspects I can be. Often I need to talk through ideas about the decision... and then make it, and confirm that is the direction I should go. And move...

Literally, this is what I have been doing the last three weeks, and life is making some great changes... Career changes, town of residence changes, thus roommate changes... But ever since the decision was made, and I talked out my idea, I was able to feel the peace and calm after the storm of new opportunities and ideas. Despite all of the unknowns for me. These include hours I am officially working, where I am living, with whom I am living, when I am moving... The only thing is... I do not feel like I am leaving.

Yes, all my stuff needs to be packed up into boxes, and I need to 'say good-bye'.... yet that is one thing I do not do.... good bye sounds so final, with an ending... I can not stand that... Driving back to this valley as I looked over it last night, I know I will miss it, the beauties, and especially including all of it's people.... One thing I have repetitively been blessed with through out my life is meeting amazing individuals... I prefer the, "till next time"... You, my Cache Valley friends, I will miss the hikes, the walks, the volleyball, the climbing, the late night chats... thank you for the colors you have contributed to the portrait of my first opportunity of living in Cache Valley, each experience, a stroke on that picture, changed for the better because of you...

Part of me has been resisting this experience, while other parts of me are jumping head first, with faith I have had to dig out of my entire soul.  But faith is a  principle of action.... so here goes...

Last weekend I, went camping, and I needed it. Although it rained a good portion of the time, it was nice to be within nature with easy going friends who just went here and there, it was the right combination of spontaneity, and structure... and so beautiful.... I love this time of year, and the beauties surrounded us... from double rain bows to fast moving fog.... I love the peace that comes from being outdoors. So take a moment... pause in the beauty of the turbulence, and embrace it, weather you are moving like the quaking aspen, or still as a rock...

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Tapestry of Others

Disclaimer: I have actually started this post multiple times in the past month, trying to figure out how to tie in all my thoughts to the tapestry of this post. I have been through some interesting experiences over the last month, but they all lead back to significant relationships in my life....Most of this was written over three weeks ago...

 On a particularly down day about three weeks ago, a friend pushed the right questions, asking me about how I was. The response I got did not surprise me, yet it was not something I anticipated from him at the time... "And in the end all that matters is the Gospel. Work or no work, money and riches or none, all that matter are God and people." Although from that thought, our discussion continued, I have come back reflecting...people... people are really who matter...

All of us have so many different relationships in this life, with numerous people, and varied is the depth of those relationships, which is definitely needed. While some at work may be 'casual with no personal life intermixed'... others relationships are the polar opposite...strictly personal, where it is deepened over time as with each interaction...

Maybe the reason for this current reflection is because I have been aware of and even looking at some of those people who matter in my life... and what they have done for me lately... Although no names will be used, you will probably know who you are if reading your this post... may you each be blessed for the love you have shared with me, and I hope you feel the gratitude in my heart for the cords you have played in the melody of my life...
~~~
I went to Nebraska last month with my parents and my youngest sister, as we came back to town I offered to drive the other sister down to her house the next day so my parents could continue home. As I was leaving with her that Saturday, a friend (of ten years) called whom I have not talked with much in the last few years. Although he did not say much he skirted around the issue of needing to make some big "life choices." So I offered to stop by after dropping my sister off... we talked a little before it was time for a meeting with some other valued friends.

Yet, serious conversation continued the next morning about the repercussions of each side. As the analysis wound down to an end, I asked him, "How do you feel about it when you pray about it?" The response was simple, "good." "Then do it, and remember how you feel now, when things get rough," came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying... At that point in the conversation, I needed the advice I gave just as much as he did...

However, when I thought our serious talk was nearing an end, he turned to me and said, "Heather, What about you?" It was so refreshing, we used to talk about things a ton, especially big decisions we each had to make a different times. Although it had been a long time since we had had such a lengthy talk, I was grateful he wanted to talk to me in his time of decision, but had not felt like I needed to talk much. As I opened up to him about how I felt and what was going on in the stages of my life, he asked questions, listened so intensely as few do. Sometimes in life... we need someone who will ask about us beyond how we are doing.... thank you.... I needed that more then I knew, but recognized as I drove home that early, beautiful Sunday morning....
~~~
One of my closest friends in SLC called me on a Saturday afternoon, asking what I was doing that night... Spontaneously, she had decided to come up to meet me in Brigham City for dinner... Although I had plans, they were adjustable enough... so I met her there.... Although it was not what I had planned for the night, we talked about different significant experiences we had had over the last month, and how they had impacted us. As we filled in each other with different details, it helped us to each see other perspectives, we grew in our understanding of what we had experienced. This sister is one who is so generous, and loving. She an amazing sister and I grow from her example every time I am with her. Yet, her struggles are so real, just as tangible as mine. They may be different, but we still love each other as we come together and share... Sometimes in life... we need someone who will give us opportunities to be spontaneous... thank you.
~~~
Another individual & I went hiking about two weeks ago after we both finished work one night. We went up the canyon, but found the upper gate would not be open for another month. Frustrating as it was, we turned and selected the next trail we could find. We did not know the trail we were on, but asked the first people we came across who told us that it was about 3 miles long, and that it "followed a creek, and then go steep for a bit, and then wen to a great look out".... 'A little steep,' I thought ... going up next to the creek seemed steep enough... but sure enough, it did get steeper... we talked a lot, well I asked questions between huffs of air, and when longer responses were needed we'd stop and chat about them....after a bit things did seem to even out better, and we wondered if we had reached the spot, even if the trail did continue on. We wondered a bit, but figured we we turn around shortly. However, a lone hiker approached us and told us that there was a great look out that we had yet to reach. I was tired. I was worn out, and ready to turn around...but I knew my friend would keep going if he could... and that he did... so exhausted as I was, I followed, at my slow pace pausing here and there. I hit a point where I could not see him any more, and wanted to give up. He was nowhere in site, I did not know how I was going to keep going...asking for help as I trudged on to the next corner to stumble around. Then, as I turned the corner, and could see "the spot"... it was beautiful and so green, with the amazing light before sunset creating the glow on the mountains... (pictures posted today are from this hike) Later we learned it was over 2000 ft elevation gain in about 3 miles... Sometimes in life...others will push us to walk up the steep hills, and even let us walk alone a few yards... Thank you...
~~~
On of my closest friends in Logan was talking to me the other night... she was rather open about not understanding why some things do not always work out and why others do... She mentioned that she had had a lot of questions... and then she sited an example in me... Why did something not go the way I had felt it would, she used an example...she told me of some of the good she saw in me... it was so nice to see I had been validated in how I felt...At that moment I was touched she had thought about me that much. As I read this article, I reflected back to this conversation...  Sometimes in life... we need to know others think about us... Thank you
~~~
Spontaneously I ran into something online that reminded me of an evening where I sat in an arm chair in an elevator of an apartment building with a friend for a while. I loved seeing peoples faces and acting like everything was normal as we went up and down... When I saw this link, I emailed it to him last week... as we wrote joked around, we ended up meeting up at a climbing gym. Because of some broken bones, over the past few years, I have lost some of the technique I once had, we climbed a few, but then he offered to help me by giving me some feedback. I knew I was not climbing clean, but was so frustrated I did not know what to change... As I listened, watched him demonstrate, and then tried to apply his words (while he was yelling up to me from down below). I could physically feel the difference it made to apply his words, the last one was the hardest one I tried all night, yet in some ways it was easier. Sometimes in life... we need someone who will be brave enough to tell us what we can do to make things easier for us, even if the feedback is hard to hear.... Thank you.... 
~~~
Life is and can be exciting, even with the unknown paths before us... I was reminded by a friend the other night.. that sometimes the unknown is good and exciting... I loved the enthusiasm that thought gave to me.. Sometimes in life we need to be reminded that it is good and it is exciting... thank you..
~~~
In life, between the pushing and shoving through the daily grind, we need people... more then we may realize. We can not and should not always just fill our needs from one or two buckets... often it is the color of variety from others that gives us the ability to see a different perspective, to lighten our load or the needed encouragement to continue our journey... Likewise, we may be the ones to reach into our bucket, offering just what others need in life... I was thanked for this recently... But we are if not offering outward, maybe it is time to re-evaluate why we are holding back ... It makes me frustrated and sad to see others hold back, when they unknowingly could make a difference those around them if the gave outwardly ... We must not fall into the trap thinking our buckets have no need of being filled taking in more, or that we greedily hoard all of our 'fruit' and do not freely offer it to others.... Receive with gratitude, share with those whose paths you cross.


Saturday, May 10, 2014

Connections...

This week has brought some of the 'highest highs' along with some of the 'lowest lows'... but that is not what I am here to write about...

Tonight I heard a line, which I will paraphrase, in a documentary, it was not even stated by the main character... Yet it is was something I thought of... just earlier this week...

"....you are born alone... you walk alone... you die alone... you learn to be grateful for the time when others walk with you...life is really about the relationships and that is what makes life meaningful..." (I know, pretty liberal paraphrase) From her experiences, she learned to be grateful for the times that she did not have to walk alone...

Reflect back to Wednesday afternoon with me, around four I walked into a cultural hall, the back up venue for a wedding dinner and reception as decorative flags are being draped across the room in different directions...before I even get to the entrance I see three of my friends, some whom I have now known for over seven years... I am greeted with a big hug from two of them...before long we select a seat next to some more friends.... it was good to see others and catch up... but mostly just to be with them...

As the dinner progressed the family members of the bride and groom spoke, followed by the bride, and then the groom... they are both amazing, impressive people. Although I do not know the bride super well, just last week we had a short conversation where I saw I side I never knew of her, what an amazing woman...

From there, as the reception started I snuck out to pick my sister up at the airport. I was not with her for very long... but it was good to see her...

As I went back to the reception I spoke with three or four other friends before I snuck out to start the drive back to Logan... as I drove away I recognized I felt so happy. I thought about it for a while... why? What was it that had made me so happy?

I can not say that I came to a full answer to my questions... but I will tell you that these friends have deep routed bonds & connections that have been kept over the years... those relationships ... we are all so different... but I did come to a conclusion... they are all the kind of people who love to reach out others and always put more of an emphasis on others over themselves.... Maybe that is one of the things that makes those so meaningful to me...

So as I drove, I looked at all around me... I was grateful for the intense clouds parting the way for the new snow coated mountains pointing upward to the stars in the sky... But even more I was grateful
for those relationships that are still there, despite the separation of millage and time...

Yes, relationships with others are one of the most valuable thing one can develop in this life...


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Recognizing Joy...

And some mornings I awake at three thirty.... and now it's five... so I got up and ate half an apple, and am very close to taking a nap....

One topic my mind has drifted to recently, in those quiet times, where the subcaverns of my mind is activated, but yet I am only half aware of it is Joy.... this is not a new topic... but I come back to it on occasion...

This may be humorous to some because I have been told that when I am serious or thinking my face appears almost angry, when that is not even what is going on in my head...

But yet there are many who are not happy with where they are, in their circumstances of life and it reflects outwardly to others...

I love the quote that says "Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family."  It is rather simple yet reminds us to the find joy frequently.

Our circumstances may not be ideal or what we even want them to be... but that is not always bad... sometimes even those littler pursuits or goals in working towards the greater destination can create the inward joy of overcoming. Yet no inward movement creates a feeling of lifeless stagnation...

So what can produce or create joy? Ultimately, I would argue that most feelings of joy are discovered via a form of gratitude. This joy and gratitude can be displayed and experienced in so many ways..



Think of nature to illustrate this concept... When was the last time you paused with the recognition of gratitude and joy outside in nature... Think of spring after a long winter, when at last the blossoms pop out... Or recall that warm breeze as you gaze into the sunset of a late summer evening...  Maybe the it is the smell of the cool crisp breeze as the vibrant red and orange maple leaves crunch beneath your feet as you stroll through the canyon.  Is it found in the pause and appreciate of the small featherlike flakes as they glimmer in the sunlight creating a pure, still blanket of white around you? There is a joyful rejuvenation that comes from being out in nature... do you experience it regularly?

Another dimension where this 'awareness of joy' is cultivated in me, is through appreciation of different mediums of art... I look at photos or paintings of places and people and in draws me in, with the desire to know more, be there, understand the culture, experience that place as it is depicted. It is as though a story has been placed before me, yet I want to know the "whys" of the intricate details... (Even earlier this week, I asked a friend about his art, and wanted to know more about his subjects).... Maybe this joy comes from recognizing that if we allow it, art has a way of transporting us into a place where we otherwise may not have gone... or to be with those, we, by no other means or ways would have met... in places that to us remain a mystery...

Maybe these depictions are not even a mystery, but have a way of recalling in a distant, but pleasant memory...cultivating gratitude for experience of the past to where we are, now in the present...

Music can have that same transporting ability...wether it be watching the unity of so many instruments within an orchestra play their part... or hearing the simple keys of a piano with a melody that is almost visualized, but yet the melody echoes and resonates beyond our head to our soul....

The last element I will explore (before my nap) is that of other individuals. Do you recognize how sometimes, with you the right people you feel a quiet calm sense of peace and acceptance? Maybe it is because they have a way of building you up, helping you recognize the potential and opportunities within you. Or perhaps it is just the simple light that they illuminate the room with from their eyes? You leave their presence with a renewed desire to be better... Each and every one of us can learn and grow from those around us, yet do we step back and experience it?

So inwardly I invite you to think of where you are? Are you embracing with gratitude the joys of where you are? Might I suggest a step back to view the full picture and a look up in awe of where you are to offer a prayer of gratitude...
~

Friday, February 21, 2014

Healthy Relationships (of all types)...

I recently have been asked to help give a lesson on friendship and in particular to talk about healthy relationships... yikes that is not just the lightest topic on the planet... It has provoked much thought and reflection and over this time period I have had more experiences in dealing directly with understanding the importance of it. If you are apart of my RS, you may want to stop reading or else stuff may unravel making the lesson rather boring for you in a week or so.. or maybe things will go in a completely different direction... who knows... not I.

Maybe at this point it would be good to make the harsh disclaimer here -- I have had and still have many unhealthy relationships. This being said, does not make me perfect in any means, but also be aware I feel that EVERYONE has at least one unhealthy one they are in. If they deny it, it is more likely that they are being untrue and in a sense have the most unhealthy relationship possible, with themselves.

Lucky for me, I do not know that many, if any will read this entry. I do not tend to get comments so I think only 2 or 3 people actually read these entries... (if you do, let me know, leave a comment some time :)

It is important to understand that within all relationships as they are established that there should be (even if undefined) specific factors.

  • First healthy relationships should be full of complete truths and fully contextualized. What does this mean? Is this relationship based on honesty? Or is there more fear in not offending the other to the extent that we are not honest in our thoughts or feelings, justifying our dishonesty? At this point I could personalize two examples. The first is one of my favorite people. We do not always agree or feel the same way about things, but she always has a beautiful way of expressing that she has a different view... And then there is another who walks around on egg shells as to not offend, or is so cautious to not offend and share her real thoughts. She takes no risks being honest, thus not allowing herself to create honest, healthy relationships... But where am I? I hate to say it, but gray. I will not justify it to you, but needless to say, if the entire picture was in view you may understand it a little better...
  • Safety comes in equal giving and receiving. I have noticed that in some relationships I feel the life being sucked out of me because you just allow others to take, take, take. Even when I feel I have nothing left to give them. Why is this? There is not equal amounts of giving and receiving. What are we doing to give and receive, to make these relationships more meaningful? Are we learning to receive in ways we did not realize we could? I am learning to receive from some of the takers. It can be refreshing when you learn to receive in ways you did not realize you could.. If they are truly healthy people, they will not let you over-serve them. 
  • Set Boundaries - Boundaries will be different for all types of relationships, maybe it is a boundary of time, or a physical boundary. Just as we have commandments as to how we should live, to make us more free, setting boundaries creates more freedom and establishes a power in relationships that otherwise would be impossible. 
I think of those in relationships who have expectations and who often want special, and even at times continual and complete accommodations in their relationships. They are often frustrated. Although I have quoted this before, a wise woman once said (& I find it worth the repetition), "Frustrations come from unmet expectations (C. Burgi)."  In these cases, not only have boundaries not been set, but the relationship is not based on full, contextualized truths.

Following these steps creates and maintains positive outcomes in our relationships which thus begets further health and strength in relationships. As one of these aspects drops out of a relationship, it becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. Yet often, it is often, not until I am in the midst of an unhealthy relationship that I find and realize it, and thus discover the reconstruction into a healthy relationship can be difficult. However, still achievable, if both are willing to work through it.

I may not be there with all of my relationships in tip top healthy shape.. but I am working on it... oh and another point... as with all relationships - it takes two people, not just one. One person may be pushing to keep it healthy while the other is fighting to create the discord. Be aware and watchful, those will difficult to know how to maneuver through...

My invitation... take some time evaluate, but do not overwhelm yourself - it can be a taxing or freeing experience... choose to let it be freeing, even if the other one in that relationship with you fights against it... it may just be time to create a boundary of more space until the other is ready to progress...

I have many more thoughts, but the lack of a voice, and my eyes are close to the land of Winkin, Blinkin, & Nod...

( Based off of a talk given by Lili Anderson)