Tapestry of Others

Disclaimer: I have actually started this post multiple times in the past month, trying to figure out how to tie in all my thoughts to the tapestry of this post. I have been through some interesting experiences over the last month, but they all lead back to significant relationships in my life....Most of this was written over three weeks ago...

 On a particularly down day about three weeks ago, a friend pushed the right questions, asking me about how I was. The response I got did not surprise me, yet it was not something I anticipated from him at the time... "And in the end all that matters is the Gospel. Work or no work, money and riches or none, all that matter are God and people." Although from that thought, our discussion continued, I have come back reflecting...people... people are really who matter...

All of us have so many different relationships in this life, with numerous people, and varied is the depth of those relationships, which is definitely needed. While some at work may be 'casual with no personal life intermixed'... others relationships are the polar opposite...strictly personal, where it is deepened over time as with each interaction...

Maybe the reason for this current reflection is because I have been aware of and even looking at some of those people who matter in my life... and what they have done for me lately... Although no names will be used, you will probably know who you are if reading your this post... may you each be blessed for the love you have shared with me, and I hope you feel the gratitude in my heart for the cords you have played in the melody of my life...

~~~

I went to Nebraska last month with my parents and my youngest sister, as we came back to town I offered to drive the other sister down to her house the next day so my parents could continue home. As I was leaving with her that Saturday, a friend (of ten years) called whom I have not talked with much in the last few years. Although he did not say much he skirted around the issue of needing to make some big "life choices." So I offered to stop by after dropping my sister off... we talked a little before it was time for a meeting with some other valued friends.

Yet, serious conversation continued the next morning about the repercussions of each side. As the analysis wound down to an end, I asked him, "How do you feel about it when you pray about it?" The response was simple, "good." "Then do it, and remember how you feel now, when things get rough," came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying... At that point in the conversation, I needed the advice I gave just as much as he did...

However, when I thought our serious talk was nearing an end, he turned to me and said, "Heather, What about you?" It was so refreshing, we used to talk about things a ton, especially big decisions we each had to make a different times. Although it had been a long time since we had had such a lengthy talk, I was grateful he wanted to talk to me in his time of decision, but had not felt like I needed to talk much. As I opened up to him about how I felt and what was going on in the stages of my life, he asked questions, listened so intensely as few do. Sometimes in life... we need someone who will ask about us beyond how we are doing.... thank you.... I needed that more then I knew, but recognized as I drove home that early, beautiful Sunday morning....

~~~

One of my closest friends in SLC called me on a Saturday afternoon, asking what I was doing that night... Spontaneously, she had decided to come up to meet me in Brigham City for dinner... Although I had plans, they were adjustable enough... so I met her there.... Although it was not what I had planned for the night, we talked about different significant experiences we had had over the last month, and how they had impacted us. As we filled in each other with different details, it helped us to each see other perspectives, we grew in our understanding of what we had experienced. This sister is one who is so generous, and loving. She an amazing sister and I grow from her example every time I am with her. Yet, her struggles are so real, just as tangible as mine. They may be different, but we still love each other as we come together and share... Sometimes in life... we need someone who will give us opportunities to be spontaneous... thank you.

~~~

Another individual & I went hiking about two weeks ago after we both finished work one night. We went up the canyon, but found the upper gate would not be open for another month. Frustrating as it was, we turned and selected the next trail we could find. We did not know the trail we were on, but asked the first people we came across who told us that it was about 3 miles long, and that it "followed a creek, and then go steep for a bit, and then wen to a great look out".... 'A little steep,' I thought ... going up next to the creek seemed steep enough... but sure enough, it did get steeper... we talked a lot, well I asked questions between huffs of air, and when longer responses were needed we'd stop and chat about them....after a bit things did seem to even out better, and we wondered if we had reached the spot, even if the trail did continue on. We wondered a bit, but figured we we turn around shortly. However, a lone hiker approached us and told us that there was a great look out that we had yet to reach. I was tired. I was worn out, and ready to turn around...but I knew my friend would keep going if he could... and that he did... so exhausted as I was, I followed, at my slow pace pausing here and there. I hit a point where I could not see him any more, and wanted to give up. He was nowhere in site, I did not know how I was going to keep going...asking for help as I trudged on to the next corner to stumble around. Then, as I turned the corner, and could see "the spot"... it was beautiful and so green, with the amazing light before sunset creating the glow on the mountains... (pictures posted today are from this hike) Later we learned it was over 2000 ft elevation gain in about 3 miles... Sometimes in life...others will push us to walk up the steep hills, and even let us walk alone a few yards... Thank you...

~~~

On of my closest friends in Logan was talking to me the other night... she was rather open about not understanding why some things do not always work out and why others do... She mentioned that she had had a lot of questions... and then she sited an example in me... Why did something not go the way I had felt it would, she used an example...she told me of some of the good she saw in me... it was so nice to see I had been validated in how I felt...At that moment I was touched she had thought about me that much. As I read this article, I reflected back to this conversation...  Sometimes in life... we need to know others think about us... Thank you

~~~

Spontaneously I ran into something online that reminded me of an evening where I sat in an arm chair in an elevator of an apartment building with a friend for a while. I loved seeing peoples faces and acting like everything was normal as we went up and down... When I saw this link, I emailed it to him last week... as we wrote joked around, we ended up meeting up at a climbing gym. Because of some broken bones, over the past few years, I have lost some of the technique I once had, we climbed a few, but then he offered to help me by giving me some feedback. I knew I was not climbing clean, but was so frustrated I did not know what to change... As I listened, watched him demonstrate, and then tried to apply his words (while he was yelling up to me from down below). I could physically feel the difference it made to apply his words, the last one was the hardest one I tried all night, yet in some ways it was easier. Sometimes in life... we need someone who will be brave enough to tell us what we can do to make things easier for us, even if the feedback is hard to hear.... Thank you.... 

~~~

Life is and can be exciting, even with the unknown paths before us... I was reminded by a friend the other night.. that sometimes the unknown is good and exciting... I loved the enthusiasm that thought gave to me.. Sometimes in life we need to be reminded that it is good and it is exciting... thank you..

~~~

In life, between the pushing and shoving through the daily grind, we need people... more then we may realize. We can not and should not always just fill our needs from one or two buckets... often it is the color of variety from others that gives us the ability to see a different perspective, to lighten our load or the needed encouragement to continue our journey... Likewise, we may be the ones to reach into our bucket, offering just what others need in life... I was thanked for this recently... But we are if not offering outward, maybe it is time to re-evaluate why we are holding back ... It makes me frustrated and sad to see others hold back, when they unknowingly could make a difference those around them if the gave outwardly ... We must not fall into the trap thinking our buckets have no need of being filled taking in more, or that we greedily hoard all of our 'fruit' and do not freely offer it to others.... Receive with gratitude, share with those whose paths you cross.

Connections...

This week has brought some of the 'highest highs' along with some of the 'lowest lows'... but that is not what I am here to write about...

Tonight I heard a line, which I will paraphrase, in a documentary, it was not even stated by the main character... Yet it is was something I thought of... just earlier this week...

"....you are born alone... you walk alone... you die alone... you learn to be grateful for the time when others walk with you...life is really about the relationships and that is what makes life meaningful..." (I know, pretty liberal paraphrase) From her experiences, she learned to be grateful for the times that she did not have to walk alone...

Reflect back to Wednesday afternoon with me, around four I walked into a cultural hall, the back up venue for a wedding dinner and reception as decorative flags are being draped across the room in different directions...before I even get to the entrance I see three of my friends, some whom I have now known for over seven years... I am greeted with a big hug from two of them...before long we select a seat next to some more friends.... it was good to see others and catch up... but mostly just to be with them...

As the dinner progressed the family members of the bride and groom spoke, followed by the bride, and then the groom... they are both amazing, impressive people. Although I do not know the bride super well, just last week we had a short conversation where I saw I side I never knew of her, what an amazing woman...

From there, as the reception started I snuck out to pick my sister up at the airport. I was not with her for very long... but it was good to see her...

As I went back to the reception I spoke with three or four other friends before I snuck out to start the drive back to Logan... as I drove away I recognized I felt so happy. I thought about it for a while... why? What was it that had made me so happy?

I can not say that I came to a full answer to my questions... but I will tell you that these friends have deep routed bonds & connections that have been kept over the years... those relationships ... we are all so different... but I did come to a conclusion... they are all the kind of people who love to reach out others and always put more of an emphasis on others over themselves.... Maybe that is one of the things that makes those so meaningful to me...

So as I drove, I looked at all around me... I was grateful for the intense clouds parting the way for the new snow coated mountains pointing upward to the stars in the sky... But even more I was grateful
for those relationships that are still there, despite the separation of millage and time...

Yes, relationships with others are one of the most valuable thing one can develop in this life...

Recognizing Joy...

And some mornings I awake at three thirty.... and now it's five... so I got up and ate half an apple, and am very close to taking a nap....

One topic my mind has drifted to recently, in those quiet times, where the subcaverns of my mind is activated, but yet I am only half aware of it is Joy.... this is not a new topic... but I come back to it on occasion...

This may be humorous to some because I have been told that when I am serious or thinking my face appears almost angry, when that is not even what is going on in my head...

But yet there are many who are not happy with where they are, in their circumstances of life and it reflects outwardly to others...

I love the quote that says "Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family."  It is rather simple yet reminds us to the find joy frequently.

Our circumstances may not be ideal or what we even want them to be... but that is not always bad... sometimes even those littler pursuits or goals in working towards the greater destination can create the inward joy of overcoming. Yet no inward movement creates a feeling of lifeless stagnation...

So what can produce or create joy? Ultimately, I would argue that most feelings of joy are discovered via a form of gratitude. This joy and gratitude can be displayed and experienced in so many ways..



Think of nature to illustrate this concept... When was the last time you paused with the recognition of gratitude and joy outside in nature... Think of spring after a long winter, when at last the blossoms pop out... Or recall that warm breeze as you gaze into the sunset of a late summer evening...  Maybe the it is the smell of the cool crisp breeze as the vibrant red and orange maple leaves crunch beneath your feet as you stroll through the canyon.  Is it found in the pause and appreciate of the small featherlike flakes as they glimmer in the sunlight creating a pure, still blanket of white around you? There is a joyful rejuvenation that comes from being out in nature... do you experience it regularly?

Another dimension where this 'awareness of joy' is cultivated in me, is through appreciation of different mediums of art... I look at photos or paintings of places and people and in draws me in, with the desire to know more, be there, understand the culture, experience that place as it is depicted. It is as though a story has been placed before me, yet I want to know the "whys" of the intricate details... (Even earlier this week, I asked a friend about his art, and wanted to know more about his subjects).... Maybe this joy comes from recognizing that if we allow it, art has a way of transporting us into a place where we otherwise may not have gone... or to be with those, we, by no other means or ways would have met... in places that to us remain a mystery...

Maybe these depictions are not even a mystery, but have a way of recalling in a distant, but pleasant memory...cultivating gratitude for experience of the past to where we are, now in the present...

Music can have that same transporting ability...wether it be watching the unity of so many instruments within an orchestra play their part... or hearing the simple keys of a piano with a melody that is almost visualized, but yet the melody echoes and resonates beyond our head to our soul....

The last element I will explore (before my nap) is that of other individuals. Do you recognize how sometimes, with you the right people you feel a quiet calm sense of peace and acceptance? Maybe it is because they have a way of building you up, helping you recognize the potential and opportunities within you. Or perhaps it is just the simple light that they illuminate the room with from their eyes? You leave their presence with a renewed desire to be better... Each and every one of us can learn and grow from those around us, yet do we step back and experience it?

So inwardly I invite you to think of where you are? Are you embracing with gratitude the joys of where you are? Might I suggest a step back to view the full picture and a look up in awe of where you are to offer a prayer of gratitude...

~

Healthy Relationships (of all types)...

I recently have been asked to help give a lesson on friendship and in particular to talk about healthy relationships... yikes that is not just the lightest topic on the planet... It has provoked much thought and reflection and over this time period I have had more experiences in dealing directly with understanding the importance of it. If you are apart of my RS, you may want to stop reading or else stuff may unravel making the lesson rather boring for you in a week or so.. or maybe things will go in a completely different direction... who knows... not I.

Maybe at this point it would be good to make the harsh disclaimer here -- I have had and still have many unhealthy relationships. This being said, does not make me perfect in any means, but also be aware I feel that EVERYONE has at least one unhealthy one they are in. If they deny it, it is more likely that they are being untrue and in a sense have the most unhealthy relationship possible, with themselves.

Lucky for me, I do not know that many, if any will read this entry. I do not tend to get comments so I think only 2 or 3 people actually read these entries... (if you do, let me know, leave a comment some time :)

It is important to understand that within all relationships as they are established that there should be (even if undefined) specific factors.

• First healthy relationships should be full of complete truths and fully contextualized. What does this mean? Is this relationship based on honesty? Or is there more fear in not offending the other to the extent that we are not honest in our thoughts or feelings, justifying our dishonesty? At this point I could personalize two examples. The first is one of my favorite people. We do not always agree or feel the same way about things, but she always has a beautiful way of expressing that she has a different view... And then there is another who walks around on egg shells as to not offend, or is so cautious to not offend and share her real thoughts. She takes no risks being honest, thus not allowing herself to create honest, healthy relationships... But where am I? I hate to say it, but gray. I will not justify it to you, but needless to say, if the entire picture was in view you may understand it a little better...
• Safety comes in equal giving and receiving. I have noticed that in some relationships I feel the life being sucked out of me because you just allow others to take, take, take. Even when I feel I have nothing left to give them. Why is this? There is not equal amounts of giving and receiving. What are we doing to give and receive, to make these relationships more meaningful? Are we learning to receive in ways we did not realize we could? I am learning to receive from some of the takers. It can be refreshing when you learn to receive in ways you did not realize you could.. If they are truly healthy people, they will not let you over-serve them. 
• Set Boundaries - Boundaries will be different for all types of relationships, maybe it is a boundary of time, or a physical boundary. Just as we have commandments as to how we should live, to make us more free, setting boundaries creates more freedom and establishes a power in relationships that otherwise would be impossible. 

I think of those in relationships who have expectations and who often want special, and even at times continual and complete accommodations in their relationships. They are often frustrated. Although I have quoted this before, a wise woman once said (& I find it worth the repetition), "Frustrations come from unmet expectations (C. Burgi)."  In these cases, not only have boundaries not been set, but the relationship is not based on full, contextualized truths.

Following these steps creates and maintains positive outcomes in our relationships which thus begets further health and strength in relationships. As one of these aspects drops out of a relationship, it becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. Yet often, it is often, not until I am in the midst of an unhealthy relationship that I find and realize it, and thus discover the reconstruction into a healthy relationship can be difficult. However, still achievable, if both are willing to work through it.

I may not be there with all of my relationships in tip top healthy shape.. but I am working on it... oh and another point... as with all relationships - it takes two people, not just one. One person may be pushing to keep it healthy while the other is fighting to create the discord. Be aware and watchful, those will difficult to know how to maneuver through...

My invitation... take some time evaluate, but do not overwhelm yourself - it can be a taxing or freeing experience... choose to let it be freeing, even if the other one in that relationship with you fights against it... it may just be time to create a boundary of more space until the other is ready to progress...

I have many more thoughts, but the lack of a voice, and my eyes are close to the land of Winkin, Blinkin, & Nod...

( Based off of a talk given by Lili Anderson)

Exhausted... & the Lamb...

So I have been sick the last few days... well since Sunday really... just enough to have low energy, and crazy dreams preventing normal sleep... I feel like the inner me has a severe case of cabin fever... last night a friend talked about how he was going to (sorry I forget the exact phrasology) rip through some of the amazing powder we got from this "huge" storm that moved through, dumping so little in the valley, but hopefully in the mountains there was more... I inhaled, I just am ACHING to get out and MOVE...then I walk to my car I started cough that dry barky cough again...  I really am fine... accept that by about ten thirty I was already for bed... and began to reflect over my thoughts of the day... I know I have about two posts in the 'draft form' that have yet to be published, but they are not for tonight...

There have been some great blessings today in my behalf... people doing extra nice things for me... even one whom I do not know... and I must say I have an amazing visiting teacher... she still called and asked if she could stop by on a friday night... of course...  we talked a bit about the Savior and how he is always reaching to others...I shared with her a song by one of my friends... which seemed to be a theme as I carried it into a conversation later on...

As the dark comes on, See the flock gather round the one they know

Full of trust, they will follow, for he always leads them home.

And he knows them, He calls them one by one.

Now he's seeking out the one that hasn't come.

Restless lamb, strayed to far on the thorny path,

Crying out in the night, Restless Lamb

See the way that he seeks out the missing one, 

Brings him back to the light, to the light

Restless lamb, restless lamb, restless lamb

Restless lamb, restless lamb, restles lamb

The day is day is full of storm and danger, 

Hear the howling of the wind and of the foe

A flash of lightning shows a frighted one,

A tiny figure lying helpless in the snow.

Now through it all, his heart can hear the anguished cry

Now He's seeking out his loved one under blackened sky

Wounded lamb, feel the pain, 
See the heart that's been trampled on,

so alone, filled with grief, wounded lamb, 
See the way that he cradles the stricken one, 
Wipes the tears, gives relief, bring him peace

wounded lamb, wounded lamb, wounded lamb

wounded lamb, wounded lamb, wounded lamb

And he knows me, he feels my pain, he bears my sin.

Now he's reaching and begging me to let him in.

Restless lamb seeking truth in a world full of blinded lies.

Calling out to him now, wounded lamb sweating blood, 

see the cross that they nail him on, 

He takes my pain some how, perfect lamb

Perfect lamb, perfect lamb, perfect lamb

Perfect lamb, look to Him, follow him, he will set you free

He is the way and the light, Perfect Lamb, 

Perfect life, perfect love, perfect sacrifice. 

Already won the fight, perfect light.

Perfect lamb, perfect lamb, perfect lamb

Perfect lamb, perfect lamb, perfect lamb

These words are from a dear friend who I have thought of often... especially recently... she is someone who still reaches out and welcomes in all around her in the most loving and accepting ways possible... 

She would sing this, complete with acoustic guitar... I loved this song, and once asked her if she had it recorded, and said she'd do it that weekend for me... I told her it was not a big deal... yet she did it still... what a precious legacy to leave....

Yes, there are times we take on each of these characteristics, restless and wounded. Yet, and even still despite what we have done, he reaches out to us in our own personalized ways....

Never underestimate the power you have to do good in the world... you make a difference... it is up to you, it is either black or white.... what mark will you leave on those around you... you may be one who he uses to reach out to others...

(If you want to hear the song, let me know... I can arrange that)

What gift....

As with most people the whirlwind of holidays hit me smack in the face... I ran faster then I thought would be possible... the terror and panic of finals, and then it only got worse until I sat next to my window seat on a cold winter morning watching as I flew home...

Since then I feel like I have been in slow motion... I have stayed busy, but do not have a lot to share... it is hard to describe the treasured time of 'being' with those you love... it is not about accomplishing, doing, or not doing.. each morsel is precisely that... a time to be treasured, make memories, and be 'present'... and interesting that in this season of scurrying.. we talk about giving 'presents' also...

At the beginning of the week, I had decided I wanted to do something different that would make a day a little easier for someone else... it was something that took time, but other then that was pretty mindless... as my mind was free, it began to ping pong around... I thought about different strengthens and weaknesses... I thought about how hard it is to develop different traits and skills that we desire to have... some of our 'gifts' are natural, almost instinctively apart of who we are... Yet others are something we work at daily only in reflection do we realize that there are micro changes in a world where everything feels so macro...

Being a college student, round two has given me the opportunity to have built in moments for humility due to being poor, fear of failing, uncertainties about the future, all of which are normal and natural.... really everyone needs to experience it for a time in their life... hard times create growth and strength of character in ways that can rarely be replicated...

With this time of year comes the desire to do more for so many .. and the feelings of frustration/discouragement because I may not be able to do, give, or even be what I would like to... it's not something I dwell on at great length ...but again it is natural to have those thoughts from time to time...

The practice of giving gifts may have originated with who are now known as wise men, those who brought gifts to the Christ child. Now,  in our day, this gift giving practice may be to help us remember the greatest gift given to us that enables us to return home to a loving father... The gift of a Father who gave each of us, you & I, his son only begotten son as the ultimate gift which enables us to draw closer to him, and eventually return home. Thus creating and completing a most intricate plan of happiness...

I have loved two songs of this season that refer to gift giving and the connection of what I can do.... (even before these two videos were recorded)

What shall we give to the babe in the manger, 

What shall we offer the child in the stall?

Incense and spies and gold we've a-plenty-

Are these the gifts for the king of us all?

What shall we give to the boy in the temple, 

what shall we offer the man by the sea?

Palms at his feet and hosannas uprising;

Are these for him who will carry the tree?

What shall we give to the lamb who was offered,

Rising the third day and shedding his love?

Tears for his his mercy we'll weep at the manger,

Bathing the infant come down from above.

What can I give him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb.

If I were a Wise man, I would do my part;

yet what I can I give him: Give my heart

So take a moment and remember with gratitude the gift that has been given to you and to me... how will I use this gift? What in turn can I give?

Like a Japanesse Lace Leaf Maple...

I love fall... I love the colors changing, the smell of wind blowing, the long sleeves and pants coming out... Just the fresh crisp smell of it... especially the sunsets... that is one thing about living in Cache Valley... I have come to love watching the setting of the sun in it's vibrant colors screeching across the clouds... even today I gave into the urge, and pulled over to watch the orange disappear so fast from the tops of the sky down to the mountains edge.. all day there was a heavy, low gray blanket of clouds hanging over... but for some reason around sunset, they rose up and took shape!

A long time ago, I was in a class where the teacher compared the seasons of the year to the seasons in our life... I loved the metaphor, and for some some reason this fall, as all of the changes have taken place in the outside, internally I have felt the "winds of change a blow'n" ... yet I do not know the extent of the change that I am undergoing...

My grandma had a Japanese Lace Leaf Maple tree that she had planted at the bottom of her yard... I remember it was never very big when I would look out at it, but it had the most vibrant leaves on it.... but even fall comes to the little maple... which once was not so big, but now is about fifteen feet tall.. One random question I would alway ask people is, 'what is your favorite tree and why?"... this is the one I always thought of...

And yet here is another yoga analogy... there is the 'tree pose'  or other wise known as Vrksasana, is one that is as balance pose. I love the analogy that sometimes the wind blows, and the pose is not always steady and strong... but always, always it starts with the rooting down of our foot...

So where is our foot rooted down? Do was stay connected and rooted in those grounds that nourish and strengthen us.... as our arms reach out and branch out. Do we appreciate the opening up and outward expansion we offer or does that slight breeze that rustles the leaves create tension or do we appreciate it with a smile? Sometimes the wind knocks us down to our roots... but is that bad no, it gives us another opportunity to refocus and try again... I love this quote: ".... Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward..."

So as the winds of life blow... smile.. relax and embrace the change....